A little humor for a September afternoon…

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected, and quite often humorous, that creates a sort of intellectual whiplash. Winston Churchill loved them and the Marx Brothers (along with a lot of other comedians) made a career out of them.

The term is obviously Greek, and, according to Wikipedia (which is never wrong…right?) comes from the combination of two Greek words, “παρά,” meaning “against,” and “προσδοκία,” meaning “expectation.”

A while back, someone sent me a list of some of them, and they gave me a chuckle. So I stole others from various places on the web and here’s my current list for your amusement:

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on my list.

Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

They begin the evening news with ‘Good Evening,’ then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station .

I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Where there’s a will, there are relatives.

“I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.” — Will Rogers

“She got her good looks from her father; he’s a plastic surgeon.” — Groucho Marx

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.” — Groucho Marx

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” — Groucho Marx

“If all the girls at Vassar were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be surprised.” — Dorothy Parker

“I don’t care what is written about me as long as it isn’t true.” — Dorothy Parker

“This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.” — Dorothy Parker

“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of their tires.” — Dorothy Parker

“That woman speaks eight languages and can’t say no in any of them.” — Dorothy Parker

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.” — Dorothy Parker

“He and I had an office so tiny that an inch smaller and it would have been adultery.” — Dorothy Parker

“Look at him, a rhinestone in the rough.” — Dorothy Parker

“Brevity is the soul of lingerie.” — Dorothy Parker

“If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.” — Henry J. Tillman

“A fool and his money are soon elected.” — Will Rogers

“If I am reading this graph correctly, I would be very surprised.” — Stephen Colbert “There’s a bunch of different crunches that affect the abs … my favorite is Nestle.” — Shmuel Breban

“When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.” — Emo Philips

“I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.” — Jack Handey

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing — after they’ve tried everything else.”- Winston Churchill

“A modest man, who has much to be modest about.” — Winston Churchill (said of Clement Attlee)

“Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.” — Groucho Marx

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies—not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

And…..finally:

I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one these days.

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